The Gift of Feedback?

The answers you seek are in the questions you avoid. - Unknown

If feedback is a gift, why is it so unpleasant to receive? 

Sure, positive feedback is always welcome, even if we demur. While it feels good, it’s not very useful. 

But the constructive kind—the one that begins with ‘I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but…’ 

That kind that catches us off guard and creates an immediate cascade of uncomfortable emotion.  

When a blindspot is suddenly made visible. 

This feedback is a gift because it’s rare—and even rarer to receive with genuine gratitude.

But if we reframe all feedback with a growth mindset, we can learn to prize it. Even ask for it. 

It becomes fuel for expansion. 

But it’s against our nature to seek it out.

The Emotional Ice Bath

I’ve been taking regular ice water baths/showers for a few years now. Getting in never gets easier. 

It sucks at first. Every time.

But I do it because I know how amazing I feel when it’s over. It’s good for my physical and mental health. 

Over time I’ve reframed the cue of discomfort as a catalyst to action. 

Feedback is like an emotional ice bath. 

It feels terrible at first. We instinctively defend and deflect—while still feeling the sting of truth.

It’s frustrating to learn something you thought you were doing right, maybe had worked on, isn’t being received well.

It’s even more jarring when you have no awareness of it. Blindspots made visible can feel like an attack.
In short it can be really uncomfortable.

But like the ice bath, we can learn to appreciate the short term pain. We can embrace the truth contained in the feedback we get. 

We set our egos to the side and recognize that discomfort is the price for growth.

When we create space and intention for the conversation, it’s easier to receive. 

Getting and Giving

Ironically, it can be just as hard to deliver feedback as it is to receive.

It takes courage to offer. We don’t know how it will be received. We often struggle to express ourselves and dance around the topic so as not to offend.

Much easier to just avoid and pretend. But our thoughts leak out. 

Even if we withhold direct verbal feedback, our tone of voice, expressions and body language reveal how we’re feeling. 

Complicating things further, our own emotion gets mixed into the equation and we typically don’t take time to reflect on why we feel compelled to speak up in the first place. 

That’s especially true at work, where feedback often flows one way—top down.

Informed by the 20th century, military style command and control management style, feedback is often delivered poorly. 

The boss thinks they’re helping but employees can be left feeling criticized and diminished. 

We’ve evolved into a much more complex world. Hybrid work, new generational norms, uncertainty and pressure in almost every industry make this a fraught exchange.  

The 21st workplace conversation requires much more intention. Most of us have never been taught the emotional intelligence skills critical to this new world of cooperation and collaboration. 

Creating Space 

I’m a boss and husband. I know all of this stuff and I mess it up regularly. I’m reflecting on it this week for a reason. 

It’s so easy to default to the comfortable and conditioned autopilot behavior that has been modeled for us. 

That’s a recipe for stagnation and contraction in both our personal and professional lives. 

To expand and grow, we have to take accountability for our actions. 

The simplest hack for the challenge of feedback is to ask for it. Especially if you’re a leader. 

Recognizing that it can be hard for people to share at work, I've offered this framework. 

“What’s working well? What would be even better if?”

Creating space for people to be heard is empowering. Especially when you take action on that feedback. 

Consistency is key. Normalizing the process and creating an ongoing feedback loop is how you unlock potential. 

The deeper cut is to get below the surface to understand what motivates people. Putting our assumptions to the side and taking the time to understand more about how they see the world. 

This is vital for our personal relationships to flourish and has a place in the workplace also.

Real growth requires introspection. If we don’t sit with the feedback and do our own work, meaningful change is hard to come by. 

Not everyone is wired for that. You can’t force it. You can only model and create space for it. 

Perfection isn’t the goal here. In these nuanced matters of human emotion, there can only be progress.

We don’t grow by getting it right—we grow by being willing to see where we’ve gotten it wrong.

-Coach Kris 

P.S. This is one of the best resources (and book titles) I’ve found to date on this subject Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well (even when it’s off-base, poorly delivered, and frankly you’re not in the mood)

P.S.S. Midway through writing this column, I watched Episode 3 of Apple TV+’s The Studio—a hilarious masterclass in feedback avoidance. In it, a team of execs twist themselves into knots trying not to give Ron Howard honest notes on his film’s ending. It’s brilliant—and painfully on point.